It’s a small word that carries hidden pressures and unspoken rules
It’s just one little word. But it carries the weight of judgment, expectation, and disappointment. I’ve started to pay attention to how often I use this word - toward myself and toward others, actually or silently. When I say it to or toward someone else, my intention is to be helpful. On the other hand, when I say it to myself, it is negative, unkind or critical.
'Should' creeps into our inner dialogue and shapes how we see ourselves and those around us.
I ‘should’ be more productive.
They ‘should’ know better.
We ‘should’ have handled that differently.
What starts as a seemingly harmless nudge can quickly spiral into frustration, shame, or resentment—against ourselves, the people around us, or the situations we find ourselves in.
The Trap of Judgments and Expectations
The word ‘should’ comes from the Old English sceolde, meaning "ought to" or "must," and it was originally used to express obligation. This shows how ‘should’ has long been associated with external pressure rather than personal choice.
When we use ‘should’ in our self-talk, we’re not just describing a desire or a goal; we’re passing judgment.
I ‘should’ exercise more.
I ‘should’ feel happier about this.
I ‘should’ have known better.
What we are really telling ourselves is that who we are or where we are right now isn’t enough. These kind of thoughts subtly chip away at self-compassion, reinforcing the idea that perfection—or at least a version of ourselves that fits the mold of what we think is "acceptable"—is the only option. Holding ourselves to a rigid ‘should’ strips us of the opportunity to appreciate the journey we are on and embrace our authentic selves, imperfections and all.
But ‘should’ doesn’t stop at self-judgment. It creeps into how we view others, layering expectations onto their actions, choices, or even their personalities.
They ‘should’ have apologized.
He ‘should’ have offered to help.
She ‘should’ have known what I needed.
In one word, we project our beliefs, values, and assumptions onto others, expecting them to meet standards they may not even share. ‘Should’ turns into a tool for measuring people against a yardstick of our own making, instead of meeting them where they are and understanding their unique perspectives or circumstances. Worse, we may find ourselves holding others to hidden standards that lead to frustration, distance, resentment or distrust when those expectations (invariably?) aren’t met.
Don’t ‘should’ on anyone
I first heard that last fall when a colleague shared it during a heated discussion on a sensitive topic. It wasn’t directed at anyone. He was sharing it as a best practice in the context of whatever we were discussing at the time. I immediately embraced it and have been using it ever since.
Letting go of ‘should’ means releasing the judgment that weighs down our actions and relationships. It’s choosing grace over rigidity, curiosity over criticism, and presence over perfection. And it’s creating space for self-compassion, self-acceptance and self-love. I recently started reading Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Kristin Neff, Ph.D. It was uncomfortable at first because I first had to identify all of the assumptions that had buried their way into my self-view. Not all of them were bad or harmful; they just outweighed the good in how I talked to myself. My internal dialogue isn’t always kind. I ‘should’ on myself all the time.
‘Should’ creates the illusion that there is a clear "right" way to live, act, or respond. That if we follow the script perfectly, life will cooperate. But the truth is, life doesn’t work that way. It’s unpredictable, full of nuance and complexity that can’t be captured by a single, rigid expectation.
Because you don’t ‘have’ to be anyone other than who you already are.
And neither does anyone else.
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